“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
my one true gender
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work