Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
You Might Also Like
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
This will never not be funny 😭
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
R.I.P.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that