waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!