Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!