Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Marcmywords2's best tweets

@Marcmywords2 : *jumps on a haystack *lands on a needle

@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

@Marcmywords2: Tequila doesn't make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don't
turn down your TV, they're filing
a complaint.

@Marcmywords2: Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you're drunk.

@Marcmywords2: Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@Marcmywords2: Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

@Marcmywords2: Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

@Marcmywords2: "Only God can judge me"

People who've never been to
Whole Foods.