My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.