God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Selfie
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.