Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@MarfSalvador : Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma'am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
@MarfSalvador: Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
@MarfSalvador: Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please
@MarfSalvador: [Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
@MarfSalvador: Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer's second head: WE did
@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
@MarfSalvador: [Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
@MarfSalvador: Cop: He's getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
@MarfSalvador: [After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where's the artist?