Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion? Doc: Ma'am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever Wife: So yes then

@MarfSalvador: Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

@MarfSalvador: Man: I'd like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I'd like to buy 200 gerbils please

@MarfSalvador: [Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@MarfSalvador: Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer's second head: WE did

@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

@MarfSalvador: Cop: He's getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'

@MarfSalvador: [After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where's the artist?