@MarfSalvador: me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
@MarfSalvador: [Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o'clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: what's your type?
her: I like a man who doesn't get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
@MarfSalvador: [bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that's it keep pushing
@MarfSalvador: [dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it's MY microwave