@MarfSalvador: me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN'T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
@MarfSalvador: paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
@MarfSalvador: me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife's birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won't find me?
@MarfSalvador: [Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean...
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
@MarfSalvador: Lady: Help!! My husband isn't breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I've never seen anyone die before