Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?

@MarfSalvador: wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

@MarfSalvador: Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

@MarfSalvador: Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we're married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@MarfSalvador: [Looking at the vast night sky]

Her: What do you think about other life forms?

Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit

@MarfSalvador: [Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I'm cold

@MarfSalvador: [Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

@MarfSalvador: Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@MarfSalvador: Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk!