Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [firing torpedo from submarine] torpedo: but I don't know how to do anything else

@MarfSalvador: me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN'T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@MarfSalvador: paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

@MarfSalvador: my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

@MarfSalvador: me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@MarfSalvador: [eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

@MarfSalvador: [my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

@MarfSalvador: [bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife's birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won't find me?

@MarfSalvador: [Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean...

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

@MarfSalvador: Lady: Help!! My husband isn't breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I've never seen anyone die before