Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [restaurant] date: you wanna split the bill? me: don't be silly! date: oh wow thank you me: for what?

@MarfSalvador: her: cute dog, what's his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he's not been in any movies

@MarfSalvador: [after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

@MarfSalvador: me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@MarfSalvador: [calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so... yeah... can I come pick them up?

@MarfSalvador: me: where have you been? it's 5am!
wife: I'm having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

@MarfSalvador: me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

@MarfSalvador: date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

@MarfSalvador: [broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour