Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'

@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@MarfSalvador: Me: *Puts on skis* I've not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

@MarfSalvador: Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don't look anything like a cup of coffee

@MarfSalvador: [Forest]
GF: Oh god it's a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@MarfSalvador: Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it's a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@MarfSalvador: Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

@MarfSalvador: GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I'm pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?