@MarfSalvador: her: cute dog, what's his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he's not been in any movies
@MarfSalvador: [after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
@MarfSalvador: me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
@MarfSalvador: [calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so... yeah... can I come pick them up?
@MarfSalvador: me: where have you been? it's 5am!
wife: I'm having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
@MarfSalvador: me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
@MarfSalvador: date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
@MarfSalvador: [broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour