@MarfSalvador: [Valentine's Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
@MarfSalvador: Me: *Puts on skis* I've not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
@MarfSalvador: Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don't look anything like a cup of coffee
GF: Oh god it's a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
@MarfSalvador: Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it's a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
@MarfSalvador: Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
@MarfSalvador: GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I'm pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?