A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
become ungovernable
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Look at this
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
i did the math