Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Okay
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive