Two types of dogs.
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time