[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The dark side of Canada
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.