Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.