* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
You Might Also Like
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography