Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MartaEffing's best tweets

@MartaEffing : Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.

@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'.

I sure hope he asks me out again.

@MartaEffing: Ask her why she looks so tired. That'll wake her up.

@MartaEffing: I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.

@MartaEffing: This gym's proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

@MartaEffing: I don't understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@MartaEffing: I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.

@MartaEffing: Tonight's Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

@MartaEffing: [sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It's a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*comes back dressed as Yoda*