@MartaEffing: Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
@MartaEffing: I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.
@MartaEffing: This gym's proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.
@MartaEffing: I don't understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
@MartaEffing: I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.
@MartaEffing: Tonight's Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.