I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
You Might Also Like
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.