Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You Might Also Like
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go