I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Haha good job!!