@MatCro: COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn't you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

@MatCro: IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I've never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

@MatCro: [meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You're incredible, Gary

@MatCro: [emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It's Doesn't-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I...I don't know

@MatCro: [restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

@MatCro: [bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

@MatCro: SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane

@MatCro: IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

@MatCro: [heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn't do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn't swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn't stop poking a bear