You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob