I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
I told the kids they鈥檝e stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 馃檪
When you’re here for the treats.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
yeah not falling for this one
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
the answer was staring at me all along
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 馃槶
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]