how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.