Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’