Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds