When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
the three genders
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever