Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
United Steaks of America
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”