My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.