Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*puts words between two asterisks*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Classic German Shepherd 😂
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”