Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Maui_Speaks's best tweets

@Maui_Speaks : My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

@Maui_Speaks: I can deal with many things. Intolerance. Hate. But if I can't find the right lid for the Tupperware in five minutes, some one will pay.

@Maui_Speaks: Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

@Maui_Speaks: Ever wonder if you killed that one really important brain cell?

@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.

@Maui_Speaks: My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress....

@Maui_Speaks: It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.

@Maui_Speaks: Dear person who just turned in your resume with no name or phone number. You didn't get the job.

@Maui_Speaks: I love wearing ear-buds and listening to the music loud at the gym, because no one can hear you if you fart...Why is everyone looking at me?