Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MavenofHonor's best tweets

@MavenofHonor : So many friends have kids now it's tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

@MavenofHonor: On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

@MavenofHonor: On some level I've always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

@MavenofHonor: You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

@MavenofHonor: I'm enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else "smells smoke" and "thinks we should leave the conference room"

@MavenofHonor: Listen, I've been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don't hear me complaining. No one does

@MavenofHonor: Maybe I should've learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@MavenofHonor: Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@MavenofHonor: Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

@MavenofHonor: Saw a deer on my bike but didn't have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho