When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
mumsnet is amazing
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Encore…
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.