If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Generation gap…
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971