Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”