Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of McGrumpenstein's best tweets

@McGrumpenstein : my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans what scares me is that she didn’t care

@McGrumpenstein: To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@McGrumpenstein: Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@McGrumpenstein: DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@McGrumpenstein: my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@McGrumpenstein: *a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

@McGrumpenstein: Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@McGrumpenstein: brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are... are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

@McGrumpenstein: My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@McGrumpenstein: Garfunkel: There's must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it's closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: ...49 ways to kill your singing partner