Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you