Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
You Might Also Like
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.