Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
You Might Also Like
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
tell em, edith-anne
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here