Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me, flirting😏
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me