Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.