When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose