We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.