People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
they really do be looking like this
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear