Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Don’t we all.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’