Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Megatronic13's best tweets

@Megatronic13 : [1st person to try jogging] Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady? Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure. Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@Megatronic13: Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

@Megatronic13: [swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that's impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

@Megatronic13: Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

@Megatronic13: Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

@Megatronic13: Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

@Megatronic13: My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

@Megatronic13: Satan: it’s just... people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

@Megatronic13: My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

@Megatronic13: Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k...

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please :)

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*