If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
School be like
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
what?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.