Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of MelKassel's best tweets

@MelKassel : GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@MelKassel: *night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don't want you to see me...like...this
HIM: omg what's happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

@MelKassel: centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

@MelKassel: DENTIST: let's get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

@MelKassel: SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

@MelKassel: LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like 'what is she thinking'

@MelKassel: *pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma'am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

@MelKassel: HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

@MelKassel: 1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he's uh coming later