Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
How to make infinite energy.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.