The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.