“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Risking my life for fun.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
#Caturday
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?