I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Just got to our Airbnb!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie