wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Not all heroes wear capes.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor